Three Books I'm Excited About Right Now...

 I haven't finished reading any of the following books yet, but felt ready to start talking about them anyway.


Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential - and Endangered, is written by the same team as The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog.
It follows the brain science, interwoven with many personal stories, about how people learn and develop the essential trait of empathy.  Empathy is woven into the very fabric of our being, but basically, we learn empathy by being loved by our parents (and other caregivers) from the time we are tiny infants. This tends to happen naturally, as our responses as parents are also practically automatic. The consequences of not receiving this normal loving care (such as those raised in orphanages in Russia and Romania) are serious, but can be addressed to some extent. (Not only empathy, but also things like IQ, immunity to disease and physical balance are related to the nurturing most babies receive at a very young age.)

One part of the book I particularly enjoyed was about a woman who founded an organization that helps schoolchildren learn empathy. Just hearing about how this woman grew up was fascinating.

If we are all born for love, Roots of Empathy founder Mary Gordon was delivered into some of the most fertile ground imaginable. She grew up in Newfoundland, in a multigenerational  household that included her three brothers and one sister, both of her grandmothers, and an uncle who was intellectually disabled. Her parents also often took in "strays." Unmarried women who'd gotten pregnant would live with them during their pregnancies, men leaving prison would visit nightly for a free meal. Gordon's father eventually served as the Canadian minister of labor,a dn her mother was an artist. The Catholic family was deeply committed to social justice. AT the dinner table, the rule was that the conversation must focus on ideas - literature, policy, religion, philosophy - not gossip or mundane events. But the table rang out with laughter and spirited debate: this didn't produce sullen resentment.

How to Raise an Adult:  Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott Haims has been a wonderful read so far. The author is a former Stanford dean who has also experienced the challenges of today's parenting norms from raising her own children. This has led to a easy-to-read (with lots of laugh-out-loud and ah-ha moments) practical guide to what's wrong with parenting (and related issues such as the "College Admissions Arms Race"), how it's affecting our children and what we can do about it.

Her suggestions seem much more manageable than overwhelming. To give you a sense of it, here is a list of "How to Let Your Kid Play" (though, in the book, each item is detailed with information and suggestions):

• Value free play. 
• Know your kid. 
• Create agreements with other parents. 
• Offer materials and equipment that foster imaginative play. 
• Let your kid decide how and what to play. 
• Work on creating space between you and your kid.
• Develop a capacity to wince but not to pounce.
• Create a culture of free outdoor play. 
• Get inspired. 
• Encourage change in your community. 
• Model play. 

I figured that even reading some of the crazy helicopter-parenting stories aloud to my kids would help ensure that I wouldn't imitate such behavior. ;)

I am also looking forward to reading her suggestions in upcoming chapters (I'm about half-way through) on teaching life skills, teaching them to think, preparing them for hard work, letting them chart their own path and listening to them. Good stuff!


Dear Professor Einstein: Albert Einstein's Letters to and from Children just arrived in the mail yesterday.  Looking forward to having a little downtime for savoring it. (A girl can dream, right?)

God Doesn't Wish us to be Anxious

I recently quoted a part of yesterday's second reading, but thought it was worth returning to the entire passage - which seems so relevant to... well, just about everything. Here's the reading in its entirety (Philippians 4:6-9):

Brothers and Sisters: Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Magnificat Magazine also had this related tidbit in their evening prayer for last night:

Cast all your worries upon [God] because he cares for you. (cf. 1 PT 5:7)

Anxiety focuses our attention on ourselves. Saint Paul proposes that we drive it out by turning to God in prayer "in all things." Then we will be ruled by the peace that frees us to bear good fruit through love for God and our neighbor.

It's so easy to get carried away with worries. Even when no huge crises loom over us (or perhaps especially when no huge crisis looms over us - crises have a way of putting everything into perspective!), we worry about whether we're doing everything we're "supposed" to do for our children and for our families and even for the world. The expectations are often outrageous!

We have to turn to God in simplicity and trust and remember that he doesn't want us to all be cookie-cutter images of some other family that seems to be doing everything perfectly (which is likely an erroneous impression from a distance anyway). What we're supposed to do is keep plugging away, doing the little things with love and continue being there for our children, and not be anxious about appearances.

I've always found it comforting to reflect upon the diversity of the saints. Our modern way of thinking confuses and twists us into, for example, being disappointed if a child isn't able to stand up to the paradigm of what modern society admires in a young person. The modern world admires strength, physical beauty, brains, popularity (not all bad in and of themselves of course). Our faith shows us something else - that God works with human weakness to bring about His beautiful will whenever and wherever we choose to cooperate with Him. I think it's when we start to mistake ourselves for the architects, rather than the workers, of His plans that we fall into anxiety.

The Theme of Lent This Year...

seems to be "*YOU* are not the one in control." I've seen hints of it in many blogposts around the 'Net (particularly from Moms who really want to do a lot of wonderful spiritual things with their families during Lent). For me, it is perfectly illustrated by the twin winter storms that prevented us from going out to services and our usual devotions on Ash Wednesday and now today on Good Friday.

This seems perfectly related to the virtue of Patience, which is the theme of the Fourth Sorrowful Mystery in a little book of quotes I have by St. Francis de Sales (the book is called: Sermon in a Sentence: A Treasury of Quotations on the Spiritual Life, Volume 2, published by Ignatius Press).

Here are a few quotes from this section:

The soul that rises from sin to devotion has been compared to the dawning day, which at its approach does not drive out the darkness instantaneously but only little by little.

The greatest happiness of any one is "to possess his soul," and the more perfect our patience, the more fully we so possess our souls.

If we must have patience with others, so we must with ourselves. Those who aspire to the pure love of God have not so much need of patience with others as with themselves.

The acts of daily forbearance, the headache, or toothache, or heavy cold; the tiresome peculiarities of husband or wife, the broken glass... all of these sufferings, small as they are, if accepted lovingly, are most pleasing to God's Goodness.

One more Quote from Spe Salvi

And then I have to get to bed!

I found this quote wonderfully profound, but also very challenging.

We can try to limit suffering, to fight against it, but we cannot eliminate it. It is when we attempt to avoid suffering by withdrawing from anything that might involve hurt, when we try to spare ourselves the effort and pain of pursuing truth, love, and goodness, that we drift into a life of emptiness, in which there may be almost no pain, but the dark sensation of meaninglessness and abandonment is all the greater. It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it, and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.

Pope Benedict XVI, Spe Salvi (Saved in Hope)

Thought for the Day

from Fr. Thomas Dubay, Authenticity...

We may distinguish two types of knowing: one is particular, specific, thing-centered, while the other is fundamental, deep, ultimate, person-centered. Examples of the first are the molecular structure of water, the sum of the angles of a triangle equaling 180 degrees, the location of Chile in South America and the defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo. Examples of the second are moral decisions, the ultimate purpose in life, the thirst of men for happiness and the quest for God.

The research-study model for the attainment of truth is effective for the first level of knowing. A proud, avaricious, lustful person can through sheer study reach an extensive knowledge of things. He can learn precious little about persons, nothing about God - nothing, that is, that transcends the mere data level of books and lectures.

Deep, ultimate, person-centered knowledge is achieved through love, genuine love. And love is achieved only through conversion from an opacity resulting from the original fall.

Another Thought on the Importance of Hope...

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (#1917) says,

One is entitled to think that the future of humanity is in the hands of those who are capable of providing the generations to come with reasons for life and optimism.

This is a really important concept to me, especially when looking at things like the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade and how I want to prepare my children to make a difference in this world one day. Also, it seems to me that faith and hope go hand-in-hand, because it is so often a lack of faith that blocks the way.

Part of what I was trying to say in the previous post...

was simply that engaging the world is an excellent place to get perspective which keeps us from getting too petty and caught up in taking ourselves and our lives too seriously.

Gratitude, Appreciation, and Making Distinctions

An interesting discussion at Nancy's site brought to mind an idea that I mentioned in the comments to her post and I thought I'd bring up here too. She was discussing problems that end up dividing homeschool groups. My speculation was that we often get mixed up in our heads between what is ideal (or perceived to be ideal) and what is morally necessary.

There are many things which homeschool families (and other families for that matter) decide is good, or even "the best" for their family and implement with enthusiasm. There is certainly nothing wrong with this. Here are a few real-life examples (these may or may not occur in our own family!):

avoid television entirely
have the girls wear skirts to Mass
have the girls wear skirts all the time
eat organic foods
attend Daily Mass
pray the Rosary daily
avoid government run homeschool programs
eat vegetarian
etc.

The problem lies not in making such decisions for our own families, but starting to judge other families who have decided otherwise. There are certainly arguments for and against each idea and some people may choose naively, but this should never be cause for ostracizing them. In fact wouldn't that have the opposite effect of influencing them for the good anyway? These are the sorts of things that can be considered "ideal" by many for various reasons (or - in some cases - even goals to strive towards), but are definitely not "morally necessary". It sure is nice to have the authority of the Church to help us make such distinctions!

For some reason it is often tragedy that puts such things in perspective. Things like this:

A local homeschool family whose young son died in his sleep a few days ago

and this

Cyclone kills over 2,000 in Bangladesh

I sometimes wonder if some of the squabbling comes because we're spoiled. We're spoiled by amazingly good health and low death rates, we're spoiled by a myriad of choices in clothing and educational materials and food and more. But for some reason this tends to lead to fear rather than gratitude and appreciation.

Perhaps because we do have so many choices to make (certainly to the point, at times, of being overwhelmed by decision-making), we start taking ourselves too seriously and feel like it all depends on us.

This Thanksgiving week is a good time to foster gratitude and appreciation in ourselves which, really, is a good antitode to taking ourselves too seriously and neglecting the appreciation we owe to God and the help we owe to those less fortunate than ourselves. (I've also found reading pretty much anything by G.K. Chesterton as a perfect antidote to taking myself too seriously.)

And so, today I am grateful for these things:

-Being able to worship freely, openly and without fear.

-Being able to choose homeschooling for my children.

-For the children God has given me.

-Food, shelter and clothing in abundance.

-Good friends, good books, good movies and many happy times.

What Students Owe Their Teachers

I've been dipping somewhat informally into Fr. Schall's Another Sort of Learning and really liked this tidbit:

...to be a student requires a certain modicum of humility.

Yet to be a student also requires a certain amount of faith in oneself, a certain self-insight that makes a person realize that he can learn something that seems unlearnable in the beginning. This trust in the teacher also implies that the student, if he has trouble understanding, makes this known to the teacher. Teachers just assume that everything they say or illustrate is luminously clear. A student does a teacher a favor by saying, "I do not understand this". But the student should first really try to understand before speaking. To quote Augustine again, students should "consider within themselves whether what has been explained has been said truly."

The student ought to have the virtue of docility. He owes the teacher his capacity of being taught. We must allow ourselves to be taught. We can actually refuse this openness of our own free wills.

UPDATE: An anonymous commentor reminded me that Schall's Another Sort of Learning is available online here. He (she?) also recommended A Student's Guide to Liberal Learning which is available online here. Thanks!

Love2learn Moments #29 - Attitudes and Actions

We live in a society that tends to value people according to how much money they earn. Society tends to devalue people and vocations that fall outside their narrow formula. This can include... the disabled, stay-at-home moms, the poor, priests and religious, the sick, the elderly, and even ... children.

Because our attitudes tend to be shaped by society and our own attitudes in turn play a major role in the formation of our children, it's important to examine and consider how our words and actions reflect what we value most.

For example, being pro-Life includes not only opposing abortion, but also supporting the disabled and seeing Christ in them. Being pro-child and pro-family includes exercising patience with little ones we come across in church or in a restaurant.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says:"Parents must regard their children as children of God and respect them as human persons."

See all of my radio moments on the Love2learn Moments Blog.